Last week our family suffered a loss. It was early and was a surprise (to our doctors and ourselves) but, because we believe in life even at its earliest stages, the loss was still a loss to us; no matter how small.
As I spent the week processing a wide range of emotions I kept thinking back to the day that we found out we were going to become mommy & daddy for the 1st time.
On our way home from our honeymoon, in the long flight from Dublin, Ireland to Toronto, Canada I began to feel nauseous & drained of energy. At 1st I chalked it up to a whirlwind honeymoon (that was, by the way, better than any romance novel Nicholas Sparks could ever ever dream of writing). But then, as our travel continued back into NC the feeling didn’t go away for me.
As we drove home from the airport I told Andy I thought we might be pregnant. My engineer husband snapped into full blown engineer/problem solver mode. When? Was I sure? What were the variables? (yes, he used the word “variables”). I kept responding “Gut feeling”. Once home we decided to check for ourselves.
While we waited, we both sat together in our bedroom. Andy fidgeted. A LOT. He kept talking and talking and talking about everything under the sun. But not me. I sat there in silence. I was Nervous. Anxious. Scared. Hopeful. I couldn’t even turn to my head to look at the results for fear that I would be right and scared for the sadness that would come if I were wrong.
Andy checked the results for us both and with one quick glance turned to me, smirked, and said “Well, look what we have done.”
At this point, most mamas would say “I was overjoyed!” “Ecstatic!” “I cried with joy!”. Not me. I was overwhelmed, scared for what the eerie feeling I couldn’t shake, and so, I just cried. Now, I was thrilled to be pregnant. But I knew from that very moment that this pregnancy was not going to be “normal”. I had an overwhelming sick feeling that we might not make it through this pregnancy as a family – and we almost didn’t.
Even though I couldn’t shake the eerie feeling, I chose to be happy, to pray for my child (and for myself), to fixate on eating healthy, to love my husband, and to enjoy every minute of what turned out to be a VERY wild ride.